Be Still

Do I even trust God yet? I wonder sometimes. I am so confused on what I should do that I don’t know what to do! Should I be looking for a job or what? I know we are running out of money fast. I need to make some kind of an income, don’t I? Will God really keep me from being evicted? Does He know what is going on? Is my trust in money? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? I just need to know what or where God wants me and I will head in that direction. Isn’t it irresponsible to just sit and wait on God? Shouldn’t I be trying to make something happen?

Where am I right now?  Right now I still have some money. Right now I still have some time. Right now I have food, family and a car. Right now I have clothes and a place to live. Right now I believe in God and his love for me. Right now I need to be still and know he is God: Psalms 46:10. This is about him not me; God knows exactly what I need. For now, He wants me to not think. He wants me to be still. In my weakness he is strong.

Pressing on with excellence!

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #7

Question: 

What I am trying to wrap my mind around is the euphoric connection your mind made with alcohol and drugs and how that can be compared to a hug from God. I am trying to imagine anything on this earth that could be compared to a God hug. All I can come up with is something like holding each of my children immediately after they are born or...I don't know what. So I have only experienced that 3 times in my life and it was short lived. You experienced that every time you used.
I guess I can understand the draw to the drugs and alcohol if it gave you that feeling most or every time. But even with that elated feeling, something had to tell you that it was still wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have stopped. I can't imagine having the ability to attain that euphoria at will and not abusing its control.

Your statement about alcohol demanding 100% of your life is very powerful. It must have been all consuming and such an impossible boulder to move. You also said that you had to make the switch to God who now fills you with the same feelings that your addiction once did. That's what I am trying to understand. That tiny spark that occurred in your life, at some particular moment, something clicked in your mind whether you were conscious of it or not, something made you change and walk toward your present life. That's what I am trying to understand.

Answer:

Dan, I was able to obtain that feeling every time. The bad thing was, at the beginning, before I was put on the Phenobarbital, I did feel like it was wrong. But after I started taking the Phenobarbital it was how I coped with life. It allowed me to not feel. It allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It wasn't until after my third DWI that it suddenly stopped working for me. That was a very dangerous place. I would use but couldn't get that feeling and I couldn't stop using. I was truly powerless. I often tell others this is a bad place to be and that they don't want to be here long. If I realize that I'm truly powerless over drugs and alcohol, then I need power. Most people that get to this point may sober up for a little while, but it is usually short lived and they go back to hopeless oblivion. It is at this point, if a person is blessed, that they can receive the gift of desperation. It really is a moment of clarity in which the alcoholic or addict says to himself, “I can’t live this way anymore.” It is followed up with enough desperation that they are willing to do anything to get sober, even if it’s for a short time. This is when you want to get them into a treatment center as soon as possible.

Pressing On with Excellence,

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #6

QUESTIONS:

What an incredible history. Usually most folks can handle one of those events every few years. But you had so much garbage dumped on you all at once, at such a young age, that it is not surprising you ended up an addict. It was just too much for one mind to process. After reading that I then think, "Well, duh! Of course there was depression. Who wouldn't have been depressed or suffered from any other mental illness!"
It sounds like alcoholism is in your bloodline. When you got sober, what kind of support system did you have in place?

ANSWER:

When I first got sober it was only going to be until I got out of trouble. I had full intentions of going back. It was out of the desperation and fear that I would go to jail for a year and a half, that I made a decision that whatever it took I was going to do it. Whatever anyone tells me to do to get sober, I’m going to do. The treatment center that I went into saved my life. It sobered me up and pointed me to AA. The denial that I went through that first month was so thick that I kept telling myself that I had a problem with alcohol, but I don't have a problem with drugs, Then I would remember that I did stop drinking but I couldn't stop smoking pot. So I would tell myself I had a problem with drugs but not alcohol, back and forth.

I am a big advocate of treatment centers. I thought that probation was keeping me sober to begin with. What I didn't know was that God was intervening in my life. See, I rode fear into drug and alcoholism and God was using it, "fear," to bring me out. The fear of going to jail gave me the willingness to take action.
Going into treatment, moving out of where I lived, going to AA meetings, listening to and doing what people told me to do, were all actions that I had been unwilling to do before. DESPERATION can be a wonderful thing. It gave me the motivation I needed to do whatever it took to change.

Pressing on with Excellence,

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #5

QUESTION: Would it be fair to assume that you also suffered from depression during this period of time? Some of the symptoms that are peppered in your response meet the criteria for depression. (DISCLAIMER: Although I am not authorized to diagnose any mental illness.)


ANSWER: If when you say depression you mean high anxiety you are right on target. By the time I was 10 to 12 years old I had stomach ulcers. I would literally vomit on Sunday nights just thinking about going to school Monday mornings. My mother took me to the doctor to see what was wrong with me. He put me on a mixture of donnabelum and phenabarbitol; One to soothe the stomach the other to soothe the mind. Because of my age, all this did was to teach me to deal with my feelings by using drugs. Chemical induced peace. Now I have a question how did I get to that point? Let me give you a little back ground. I suppose this will not be too uncommon to a lot of alcoholics and addicts. My Dad was a hard working farmer. My Mom was the child of an alcoholic. My mom's dad died when I was six years old. By the time he died, I had smoked my first cigarette with him and drank my first beer or at least had some sips of beer with him. I had also been exposed to porn that was hanging on the wall of his garage. After he died, and before I went to the doctor with my mom, somewhere during that time I also was molested by a guy that was around eight years older than I. These things, though I mention them nonchalantly, I believe had a profound effect on me. Also during that time my grandma on the other side of my family died a slow death of cancer. I was very close to her. These things all happened around the same time that I was learning to deal with my feelings and I wasn't very good at it. I also struggled with my weight and had a lot of low self esteem problems. So when I found alcohol and drugs, then I didn't have to feel these emotions.

Pressing on with Excellence,
Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic part 4

Question:
I want to play with your words for just a moment. You said that your addiction was a spiritual feeling. Behaviorally, I cannot observe "spiritual", but I can quazi-observe "feeling". In my world, that is a sensory activity. Which means if it feels, tastes, smells, looks, or sounds good, we do it and if it doesn't feel, taste, smell, look, or sound good, then we don't do it. For a very simplistic example, if I eat chocolate it is because I like the taste, smell, or feeling it gives me. On the other hand, I can't stand the taste, smell, or sight of black liquorice. I will not enjoy any aspect of it, so I avoid it. So a spiritual feeling...do you mean that when you had it, you liked it so you wanted it more and more or did you use it to escape from the reality or stresses of life?
Answer:
When I talk about a spiritual feeling, what I'm saying is its a euphoric feeling of great satisfaction. I don't know if you know God, but if you could imagine the creator of the earth reaching down and scooping you up and giving you a big hug and kiss on your head, then just holding you and telling you that he's proud of you. Probably like that of a child whose father does that to him. As a child when your dad is there, you don't worry about anything. You know everything is already taken care of. It's true peace of mind. More like everything is going to be okay. Does that help? So you can see why it is so enticing to keep going back to it again and again.

Pressing on with Excellence,
Keith
Dr. Worry

Interview with an Alcoholic part 3

Question:

You stated that at some point your god quit working for you and you were screwed. What did you mean by that?

Answer:

I would like to emphasize that alcoholism and drug addiction are 1) the same and 2), a spiritual disease; at least in my opinion. What I mean by that is it's a spiritual act of worship. You may not read that in a book, this is my view on it.
The feeling that you get when you use is, in all senses of the word, a spiritual feeling. It allowed me to feel at ease with myself and the world around me. It was this peace that I was seeking. For a long time in my life I felt inadequate. Alcohol and drugs made me feel okay, like I measured up for once in my life. So, with this being the base, it set the stage to use every day. Using every day was an act of worship. I worshiped as often as possible. Does this make sense? It was my God. It did for me what I could not do for myself. If you were to compare me to someone that went to church, someone who was a sold out Christ follower, outside of the negative consequences that I had to face, we were very much the same.
If you've been to church you have heard it said that you should give a tithe, a tenth, of your income to God. That is normal. Most Christ followers believe that. That is different than my god alcohol. He demands everything. No cost was too great, no price to high. Because of my faith that this god was going to work for me, I would freely give everything. I believed that he would give me what I so desperately needed and wanted; his peace. That's what I was searching for. However fleeting it was, I had to have it. I have found that this is exactly what God gives me today without all the negative consequences. Just to be at peace with myself and the world around me. That's what I wanted. That's what I believe everyone needs and, to some degree or another, is searching for.

Pressing on with Excellence,
Keith
Dr. Worry

Interview with An Alcoholic part 2

Question:

I have heard from so many that they had to hit rock bottom, which it
sounded like you did as well, before they decided to change their
behaviors/lives and leave the addiction. What do you think has to be
the starting point for recovery? Does every person have to hit their
own rock bottom? If I am trying to help someone and I feel they
haven't hit that bottom, what can be done to stop their addictive
behavior? As you can imagine, some folks who get to that point where
you were when you wanted to die and follow through with suicide. I
view "rock bottoms" as a dangerous area. When someone can pick
themselves up and start the process to a new life that is encouraging. But others view their rock bottom as nothing more than an opportunity to end their lives. In my line of work, any suicidal ideation is taken seriously and usually ends up in hospitalizations and medications. I try to avoid those when possible.

You stated that at some point your god quit working for you and you
were screwed. What did you mean by that? Pretend that one year before your decision to become sober, you were approached by someone like me offering help. If you hadn't gotten to your point of desperation yet, would you have accepted the help? What could have been done to convince you sooner to get sober?

Answer:

You asked if someone would have approached me one year prior to quitting if I would have considered it. I would not have considered it. The truth is, I was approached by the police with the threat of jail if I ignored them. Also, there were countless attempts by my parents to intervene.

Pressing On with Excellence,
Keith
Dr. Worry