Interview with an Alcoholic #7

Question: 

What I am trying to wrap my mind around is the euphoric connection your mind made with alcohol and drugs and how that can be compared to a hug from God. I am trying to imagine anything on this earth that could be compared to a God hug. All I can come up with is something like holding each of my children immediately after they are born or...I don't know what. So I have only experienced that 3 times in my life and it was short lived. You experienced that every time you used.
I guess I can understand the draw to the drugs and alcohol if it gave you that feeling most or every time. But even with that elated feeling, something had to tell you that it was still wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have stopped. I can't imagine having the ability to attain that euphoria at will and not abusing its control.

Your statement about alcohol demanding 100% of your life is very powerful. It must have been all consuming and such an impossible boulder to move. You also said that you had to make the switch to God who now fills you with the same feelings that your addiction once did. That's what I am trying to understand. That tiny spark that occurred in your life, at some particular moment, something clicked in your mind whether you were conscious of it or not, something made you change and walk toward your present life. That's what I am trying to understand.

Answer:

Dan, I was able to obtain that feeling every time. The bad thing was, at the beginning, before I was put on the Phenobarbital, I did feel like it was wrong. But after I started taking the Phenobarbital it was how I coped with life. It allowed me to not feel. It allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It wasn't until after my third DWI that it suddenly stopped working for me. That was a very dangerous place. I would use but couldn't get that feeling and I couldn't stop using. I was truly powerless. I often tell others this is a bad place to be and that they don't want to be here long. If I realize that I'm truly powerless over drugs and alcohol, then I need power. Most people that get to this point may sober up for a little while, but it is usually short lived and they go back to hopeless oblivion. It is at this point, if a person is blessed, that they can receive the gift of desperation. It really is a moment of clarity in which the alcoholic or addict says to himself, “I can’t live this way anymore.” It is followed up with enough desperation that they are willing to do anything to get sober, even if it’s for a short time. This is when you want to get them into a treatment center as soon as possible.

Pressing On with Excellence,

Keith