Change

I like to stop the beginning of year and look back over my life and see how far I’ve come. Have there been any significant changes? My twenty year anniversary in sobriety was January 21st. As I looked back, it got me to thinking about how people that use drugs and alcohol, when they first get sober, have a distinct, negative outlook. This is not unexpected, especially when you think of what most alcoholics and addicts have been through. It can’t be helped. Think about it. We have been in the crap for so long that bad things have become normal. I would not have gotten sober if things hadn’t gotten so bad, right? So, that gives me a negative outlook. Now I have to change this kind of thinking because it is what got me here in the first place. If I don’t, I will drink again. It's no wonder so many people have such a tough time staying sober. If our thinking does not change then we will continue to do the same things over and over; that’s what we call insanity. Thank God he helps us stay sober long enough to get past some of that thinking.

For too long in sobriety I hung on to a lot of those old mindsets, those old thinking patterns. The good news is that I can change the way I think. How? Well, to start with, how about prayer? Ask God to help you recognize negative thinking patterns. We cannot change the things that we are not aware of. Ask God to help you change your focus to something positive. I use a gratitude list for this. This works well regardless of whether or not we're alcoholic. Too many people have negative outlooks. You can change your thinking if you want to. It is one of the only things that you really have any control over.

Pressing on with excellence!!

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #7

Question: 

What I am trying to wrap my mind around is the euphoric connection your mind made with alcohol and drugs and how that can be compared to a hug from God. I am trying to imagine anything on this earth that could be compared to a God hug. All I can come up with is something like holding each of my children immediately after they are born or...I don't know what. So I have only experienced that 3 times in my life and it was short lived. You experienced that every time you used.
I guess I can understand the draw to the drugs and alcohol if it gave you that feeling most or every time. But even with that elated feeling, something had to tell you that it was still wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have stopped. I can't imagine having the ability to attain that euphoria at will and not abusing its control.

Your statement about alcohol demanding 100% of your life is very powerful. It must have been all consuming and such an impossible boulder to move. You also said that you had to make the switch to God who now fills you with the same feelings that your addiction once did. That's what I am trying to understand. That tiny spark that occurred in your life, at some particular moment, something clicked in your mind whether you were conscious of it or not, something made you change and walk toward your present life. That's what I am trying to understand.

Answer:

Dan, I was able to obtain that feeling every time. The bad thing was, at the beginning, before I was put on the Phenobarbital, I did feel like it was wrong. But after I started taking the Phenobarbital it was how I coped with life. It allowed me to not feel. It allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It wasn't until after my third DWI that it suddenly stopped working for me. That was a very dangerous place. I would use but couldn't get that feeling and I couldn't stop using. I was truly powerless. I often tell others this is a bad place to be and that they don't want to be here long. If I realize that I'm truly powerless over drugs and alcohol, then I need power. Most people that get to this point may sober up for a little while, but it is usually short lived and they go back to hopeless oblivion. It is at this point, if a person is blessed, that they can receive the gift of desperation. It really is a moment of clarity in which the alcoholic or addict says to himself, “I can’t live this way anymore.” It is followed up with enough desperation that they are willing to do anything to get sober, even if it’s for a short time. This is when you want to get them into a treatment center as soon as possible.

Pressing On with Excellence,

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #6

QUESTIONS:

What an incredible history. Usually most folks can handle one of those events every few years. But you had so much garbage dumped on you all at once, at such a young age, that it is not surprising you ended up an addict. It was just too much for one mind to process. After reading that I then think, "Well, duh! Of course there was depression. Who wouldn't have been depressed or suffered from any other mental illness!"
It sounds like alcoholism is in your bloodline. When you got sober, what kind of support system did you have in place?

ANSWER:

When I first got sober it was only going to be until I got out of trouble. I had full intentions of going back. It was out of the desperation and fear that I would go to jail for a year and a half, that I made a decision that whatever it took I was going to do it. Whatever anyone tells me to do to get sober, I’m going to do. The treatment center that I went into saved my life. It sobered me up and pointed me to AA. The denial that I went through that first month was so thick that I kept telling myself that I had a problem with alcohol, but I don't have a problem with drugs, Then I would remember that I did stop drinking but I couldn't stop smoking pot. So I would tell myself I had a problem with drugs but not alcohol, back and forth.

I am a big advocate of treatment centers. I thought that probation was keeping me sober to begin with. What I didn't know was that God was intervening in my life. See, I rode fear into drug and alcoholism and God was using it, "fear," to bring me out. The fear of going to jail gave me the willingness to take action.
Going into treatment, moving out of where I lived, going to AA meetings, listening to and doing what people told me to do, were all actions that I had been unwilling to do before. DESPERATION can be a wonderful thing. It gave me the motivation I needed to do whatever it took to change.

Pressing on with Excellence,

Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic #5

QUESTION: Would it be fair to assume that you also suffered from depression during this period of time? Some of the symptoms that are peppered in your response meet the criteria for depression. (DISCLAIMER: Although I am not authorized to diagnose any mental illness.)


ANSWER: If when you say depression you mean high anxiety you are right on target. By the time I was 10 to 12 years old I had stomach ulcers. I would literally vomit on Sunday nights just thinking about going to school Monday mornings. My mother took me to the doctor to see what was wrong with me. He put me on a mixture of donnabelum and phenabarbitol; One to soothe the stomach the other to soothe the mind. Because of my age, all this did was to teach me to deal with my feelings by using drugs. Chemical induced peace. Now I have a question how did I get to that point? Let me give you a little back ground. I suppose this will not be too uncommon to a lot of alcoholics and addicts. My Dad was a hard working farmer. My Mom was the child of an alcoholic. My mom's dad died when I was six years old. By the time he died, I had smoked my first cigarette with him and drank my first beer or at least had some sips of beer with him. I had also been exposed to porn that was hanging on the wall of his garage. After he died, and before I went to the doctor with my mom, somewhere during that time I also was molested by a guy that was around eight years older than I. These things, though I mention them nonchalantly, I believe had a profound effect on me. Also during that time my grandma on the other side of my family died a slow death of cancer. I was very close to her. These things all happened around the same time that I was learning to deal with my feelings and I wasn't very good at it. I also struggled with my weight and had a lot of low self esteem problems. So when I found alcohol and drugs, then I didn't have to feel these emotions.

Pressing on with Excellence,
Keith

Interview with an Alcoholic part 4

Question:
I want to play with your words for just a moment. You said that your addiction was a spiritual feeling. Behaviorally, I cannot observe "spiritual", but I can quazi-observe "feeling". In my world, that is a sensory activity. Which means if it feels, tastes, smells, looks, or sounds good, we do it and if it doesn't feel, taste, smell, look, or sound good, then we don't do it. For a very simplistic example, if I eat chocolate it is because I like the taste, smell, or feeling it gives me. On the other hand, I can't stand the taste, smell, or sight of black liquorice. I will not enjoy any aspect of it, so I avoid it. So a spiritual feeling...do you mean that when you had it, you liked it so you wanted it more and more or did you use it to escape from the reality or stresses of life?
Answer:
When I talk about a spiritual feeling, what I'm saying is its a euphoric feeling of great satisfaction. I don't know if you know God, but if you could imagine the creator of the earth reaching down and scooping you up and giving you a big hug and kiss on your head, then just holding you and telling you that he's proud of you. Probably like that of a child whose father does that to him. As a child when your dad is there, you don't worry about anything. You know everything is already taken care of. It's true peace of mind. More like everything is going to be okay. Does that help? So you can see why it is so enticing to keep going back to it again and again.

Pressing on with Excellence,
Keith
Dr. Worry

Interview with an Alcoholic part 3

Question:

You stated that at some point your god quit working for you and you were screwed. What did you mean by that?

Answer:

I would like to emphasize that alcoholism and drug addiction are 1) the same and 2), a spiritual disease; at least in my opinion. What I mean by that is it's a spiritual act of worship. You may not read that in a book, this is my view on it.
The feeling that you get when you use is, in all senses of the word, a spiritual feeling. It allowed me to feel at ease with myself and the world around me. It was this peace that I was seeking. For a long time in my life I felt inadequate. Alcohol and drugs made me feel okay, like I measured up for once in my life. So, with this being the base, it set the stage to use every day. Using every day was an act of worship. I worshiped as often as possible. Does this make sense? It was my God. It did for me what I could not do for myself. If you were to compare me to someone that went to church, someone who was a sold out Christ follower, outside of the negative consequences that I had to face, we were very much the same.
If you've been to church you have heard it said that you should give a tithe, a tenth, of your income to God. That is normal. Most Christ followers believe that. That is different than my god alcohol. He demands everything. No cost was too great, no price to high. Because of my faith that this god was going to work for me, I would freely give everything. I believed that he would give me what I so desperately needed and wanted; his peace. That's what I was searching for. However fleeting it was, I had to have it. I have found that this is exactly what God gives me today without all the negative consequences. Just to be at peace with myself and the world around me. That's what I wanted. That's what I believe everyone needs and, to some degree or another, is searching for.

Pressing on with Excellence,
Keith
Dr. Worry

Interview with An Alcoholic part 2

Question:

I have heard from so many that they had to hit rock bottom, which it
sounded like you did as well, before they decided to change their
behaviors/lives and leave the addiction. What do you think has to be
the starting point for recovery? Does every person have to hit their
own rock bottom? If I am trying to help someone and I feel they
haven't hit that bottom, what can be done to stop their addictive
behavior? As you can imagine, some folks who get to that point where
you were when you wanted to die and follow through with suicide. I
view "rock bottoms" as a dangerous area. When someone can pick
themselves up and start the process to a new life that is encouraging. But others view their rock bottom as nothing more than an opportunity to end their lives. In my line of work, any suicidal ideation is taken seriously and usually ends up in hospitalizations and medications. I try to avoid those when possible.

You stated that at some point your god quit working for you and you
were screwed. What did you mean by that? Pretend that one year before your decision to become sober, you were approached by someone like me offering help. If you hadn't gotten to your point of desperation yet, would you have accepted the help? What could have been done to convince you sooner to get sober?

Answer:

You asked if someone would have approached me one year prior to quitting if I would have considered it. I would not have considered it. The truth is, I was approached by the police with the threat of jail if I ignored them. Also, there were countless attempts by my parents to intervene.

Pressing On with Excellence,
Keith
Dr. Worry

Interview with an Alcoholic part 1

INTERVIEWER: I work as a behavior analyst, which is someone who helps others change their behaviors, and I have been contemplating the challenges of drug and alcohol addictions. I personally have never tried any drugs and I am not an alcoholic, but I want to help those who may be struggling with these challenges. I tend to view addictions in terms of only behaviors and then create ways to overcome those behaviors.


QUESTIONS

1) How did you do it? What made you decide nearly 20 years ago to leave the life you knew and set a course for this one?

2) What do you believe needs to be the catalyst to shake up addicts and live a more purposeful life?

ANSWER

First of all I did it one day at a time. I didn't just wake up one day and decide that I was going to quit and set a goal of 20yrs. When I quit I was so close to death. In fact I wanted to die. The thought went through my head that if this is all that life has to offer then I want out. For me alcohol and drugs were my god and my god had my full trust. So it is a spiritual thing more than behavioral. When my god quit working for me I was screwed. I would say that I was blessed to be given the gift of desperation. It was out of desperation that I became willing to do some things. One thing was to get honest with myself. The second thing this desperation helped me to do was become open-minded enough to think there might be a better way. HOW – Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness is an easy acronym to remember this.

For those out there who know someone who is suffering from addiction: I believe the prayers of those who cared about me was a big factor in helping me. In my case, it took an average of 15 people praying for approximately 3 years before I got desperate enough to get sober.

Pressing On with Excellence,
Keith
Dr. Worry

Introduction to Interview with an Alcoholic

I am getting ready to start a new blog idea. I have someone that knows little about addiction at least from a thought process side, such as what causes an alcoholic or an addict to continue to keep going back even after things get bad. So he is going to ask me questions and I will answer them. Then I will share that interview on my blog. I think that this is a great opportunity to help him better understand the alcoholic mind and also help others do the same. I also think this will help me to better understand myself. It will help me to crystallize my story so that I'm a better communicator. Win-win, I believe. I told him my life is an open book and that I would answer any question that he might ask. Along with that I have decided if any of my blog readers have any questions that you might like to ask concerning addiction or if you need any clarity on something that I give for an answer, please comment on the blog or submit any question to me at Keith@drworry.com. I am looking forward to this interview. This will be an ongoing topic for a while or until he or you run out of questions. I won't give any answers about things that I don't know anything about. This is a living interview, not an opinion. My experiences, no bull.

Pressing On with Excellence,

Keith a.k.a. Dr. Worry

What Motivates You?

Last week I blogged about stewardship in my life. I have been thinking a lot about what motivates me to be a good steward in all areas of  my life. The first thing that I looked at was the end result. What do I want to be known for? As a Christian I have a two-fold goal to be Christ-like and to bring glory to God. Those are the two main things I'm shooting or striving for. These are why I want to do better and better. Being a good steward is the "how to". If these are my ultimate goals, then I should have plenty of motivation to do better and since I'll never be perfect I'll always have room for improvement in every area of my life.

Romans 14:5-8 talks about doing things as unto the Lord. This also should help me to become more motivated in every little detail of my life. If I'm working as unto the Lord, then, no matter if I like my job or not, my attitude should be good. If I'm eating as unto the Lord, then I probably shouldn't be stuffing my face with a bunch of unhealthy stuff. What about negative thinking? Can I do this as unto the Lord? I highly doubt it. They just don't go together. How can I be Christ-like and bring  glory to God unless I do things as  unto the Lord? So ask yourself, "am I doing the absolute best as unto the Lord? Is this how I would act if he were standing by me right now?" He is.

Pushing towards Excellence,

Keith

Fake it till you make it

Now that I had a sponsor or mentor and a written inventory, I
was entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. After sharing
my liabilities and assets with God and someone else, I saw some patterns in my
thinking which caused me to act a certain way.

My beliefs about things, whether true or not, decided the
action I would take which could either be good or bad depending on the
situation. One thing I found out was that I couldn't change anything by myself.
It was similar to when I realized that I was powerless. It was as if I had no
power no matter how much I wished I did. I could quit doing some things, but I couldn't do it all. Here I was supposed to be entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. I had asked him to, but he didn't and I kept doing the
same things over and over again wishing that I wouldn't. Some days it seemed
that God would indeed remove them. But other days, I failed miserably. God
could remove them but was there something I could do? I believe there is.

The only way to have real lasting change is to change your
thinking. I could act as if God had already answered my prayers. Isn't that
real faith? Fake it till you make it. Act as if that defect of character has
been removed by concentrating on doing the opposite. For example, if I believe
that God has removed fear then I will practice trust. If I struggle with
selfishness then I will practice thinking of others. If I struggle with pride,
then I will practice unconditional love.

"Fake it till you make it" is faith in action.

Pushing towards excellence.

Keith

The Scariest Place to Be

My mind is a dangerous neighborhood, I shouldn't go in there alone.

Step 5 in AA is admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. For this step we will need a sponsor or a spiritual advisor to talk to. When it comes to revealing yourself totally to someone else that can seem pretty frightening. It was for me, but I knew if I didn't do it I would drink again. The thing is, if I would have let myself off the hook, I believe I would have suffered the consequences of half-hearted efforts. You truly reap what you sow and this way is difficult sometimes. But I believe it to be the easier, softer way when you compare it to the way I was living before.

When I forced myself to open up, my sponsor was kind and loving and forgiving. I thought he might think lesser of me because of my past, but he wasn't judgmental and he shared with me some of his experiences from the past. When I left I felt like a ton of weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I think that sharing things about my life was a test from God just to see if I was really willing to do whatever it took to be sober. When it was over, I had the same feeling you feel when you ace a test.

Pushing Towards Excellence

Keith

Weird But Wise

How do you pick someone to be a sponsor, discipler, or mentor? First, I would say you want to pick someone you want to be like and someone that is more spiritually mature than you. When I first got sober I picked a guy that laughed a lot because I wanted to have fun. I didn't think I could be sober and have fun at the same time. Over time, distance, from moving, forced me to find someone else. That is good though, because it stretches you even further. One person can only take you so far so you need others to come into your life and push you to greater and greater things.

My sponsor used to say weird things to me. One time when I was having a problem with a co-worker he told me, Keith, I want you to go out of your way to be nice to her and help her out. Another time he told me, Keith, for one month nobody's wrong; even if they're wrong, they're not wrong. He also told me things like, you can't think your way into right living. You have to act your way into right thinking. Action, action, action. Go through the motion, the emotion will follow. He also told me happiness is a by-product of good living.

Weird but wise.

Keith
Pushing Toward Excellence

P.S. Pray for the tsunami victims and for Japan.

The Sharpening

I would like to write about accountability. Why is it important? There was a study done on horses. One horse by himself could pull 2,500 pounds. They repeated the test with two horses and together they were able to pull 12,500 pounds. That’s five times as much as by themselves. I think the same holds true for people. Not by strapping them to a weight, but by strapping them together by accountability.

I know if I talk to someone about a problem I’m having, for some reason I’m able to think a little clearer. Especially when that problem rises again. It is easier to let go and not do the wrong thing if I know I’m going to have to tell someone about it.

What if you knew a person was going to specifically ask you about a character defect or ask how you were doing on being kind, loving, and generous? Don’t you think that has the possibility to change the way you act? Proverbs 27:17 says that as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another. This is true. Although it might seem scary to share some or all of your innermost thoughts with someone, it will help you to become the man or woman that God wants you to be and it happens a lot faster than trying to do it on your own. A problem shared is a problem cut in half.

Pushing towards excellence.

Keith

WILL LIGHTNING STRIKE?

 “Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, 
even though for the moment you do not see.” –Bill W.

I became a Christian when I was 10 or so. I gave my life to Christ. I did what most Christian kids do like go to camp and Sunday School. But for some reason I never was taught to turn my will over to God. Some things happened to me when I was a kid that should never happen to any kid and it affected my perception of myself. I grew to believe that I was not good enough to be a Christian and thought that I was going to go to hell. I also thought that I might as well enjoy the ride there.

Flash forward 14 years. Reaching the bottom of my alcohol and drug addiction, I’m faced once again with the question of God. I believed in God. I believed that I had to change my perception of God or I would drink again. It’s hard to turn your life and will over to a God you think is going to strike you with lightning. So I changed my thinking. What if God were all loving and all forgiving? Would that idea of God work for me? I would try it and find out. Sometimes I forget and break out the guilt club. Then I remember that my God is all loving and all forgiving. What is your perception of God? Does it need to be changed?

Keith
Pressing On With Excellence

THE LONELIEST PLACE TO BE

In the parable of the prodigal son, the son found himself longing to eat the pods that the hogs were eating. When he realized this, I believe he came to the end of himself. I have been there.

 My thoughts were: “if this is life I’m sick of it and I don’t want this anymore.” This is the loneliest place to be. You don’t want to be here long. Still I think I needed to be there long enough to figure out that what I was doing wasn’t working anymore and that there has to be something better than this. Someone told me around that time that my best thinking had gotten me there. That was a hard pill to swallow, but it was true. And I couldn’t go any further until I truly admitted this. I was on my own, truly powerless.

Do you find yourself here? If you do, it is a bittersweet place to be. But, it can be a great place to start over. It’s never too late for a do-over. If you’re truly powerless then you need power. And you’re at the place where you’re willing to accept that power. That power is the Father, run to Him now. Be free and change your life for good. God wants to have a relationship with you. That is his greatest desire. Then, you won’t be at the loneliest place any more.

Keith
Pressing On with Excellence